The following post was found on the site, Medium. It was written by the aspiring writer, l.m, who writes about bipolar disorder. She is a beautiful writer – if you are interested in reading more, please visit her page.
I’m running through a crowd of people, sweat dripping down my back, my legs numb from the exercise. I’m running from something terrifying, a monster of some kind. I’m afraid that when it catches up to me that I might die, that my family might get murdered too. I’m also completely manically psychotic.
Psychosis is the complete loss of control over one’s sanity. It consists of hallucinations and delusions, such as hearing voices or delusion of grandeur. It is absolutely horrific and often a person does not realise that they’re psychotic making it more terrifying. In relation to this, mania is believed to be a type of mood where a person experiences euphoria and happiness. This is where people get this wrong. Mania is not always euphoria. For some people, it is a mood that is painful and hard to come to terms with. It is often followed by depression making it a dreadful reminder of what’s to come. But it’s also associated with the belief that it is wonderful and that Bipolar Disorder is not terrible because it includes mania. There are many different stigmas that are grossly attached to the mood and it is vital that these misconceptions are smashed.
In some cases, mania consists of psychosis, which is one of the worse things about it. People that experience psychosis have different types of delusions, but one that is more common is delusion of grandeur, which is the belief that a person is famous or infinitely great. This becomes problematic when people start acting upon this belief. In my case, I experienced a delusion that was beyond my control and I struggled to believe it wasn’t true.
Mania is also associated with irrationality, which often results in painful consequences. This can be proven difficult when one has to clean up the mess of mania when depressed. I’ve experienced this first hand. When I was manic, I damaged my car countless times and made decisions that I’d never make if I were stable. After this time period, I crashed into a deep depression leaving me feeling shattered, proving that mania isn’t all that great.
Mania is not just happiness. It is also mixed moods. One can be angry and manic, sad and manic or irritable and manic. The different moods that are associated with mania are infinite. It’s tiring. The constant talking and moving, the inflated ego, the terrible decision-making and rushing heartbeat can become extremely tiresome. This is exacerbated by the lack of sleep that one gets. The worse thing about this is that despite being absolutely exhausted, you cannot stop the symptoms. You keep going until you crash.
Bipolar Disorder is trouble. What people don’t know is that the two moods, depression and mania, combined together is exhausting. It is the constant chatter, the late-night projects that remain unfinished and the racing mind.
Mania is not always euphoria. It is the terrifying realisation that you are trapped in a cycle of moods that is difficult to emerge from and it’s important that people know this.